09.29.11-
I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don’t like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that. Every day there’s something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just a moment. It’s like it’s not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.
09.30.11-
Right now, I would go back to being younger and not growing so close to people. I’ve had friends here and there, sure. But if I could go back for just a week…I would change the fact that I had made bestfriends. Bestfriends are the people you turn to for everything and you spend every weekend together and I do mean EVERY weekend. You eventually grow so accustomed to having that bestfriend everyday and every weekend. And you are so alike and you share secrets and she’s there for you every time you need her. And, if your like me, you depend on that. But you grow up and highschool comes along. And you make a promise that you’ll always be friends and honestly, that promise never seems to last. You both get boyfriends, join different clubs and sports, make new friends…yeah, it all changes. I’ve expierenced this one too many times now. So if I could go back right now, it would be that I could stay alone. That I wouldn’t grow so dependent on those people or people at all. I’ve learned it’s easier to stay alone. It hurts less and it’s less stressful and even less painful.
10.02.11-
Thats it…I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I really can’t. I know giving up makes me seem super weak, but why continue to try? I’m in highschool, I’m 16. I shouldn’t have to continue with this feeling of trying to please people. I’m doing me now. I can’t keep trying to keep friends because my body is too sore to care. My heart is tired of holding things together and pretending things are okay when they aren’t. So starting today, that’s it. I’m not going to hold onto anything anymore. I’m usually the one person who holds onto every little word said and the person who tries to fix everything when it falls apart, but I just can’t do it anymore. And, honestly, I don’t care what people have to say. Call me weak, dumb, childish. I’m done with the seventh grade drama and crap. We’re all older now so grow up. Friends grow apart as the years continue and a lot of them change. And eventually they your friends become your old friends. They become people you smile at in the hallway, but you never hangout with them anymore. And then you make new friends, the ones you see alot. It just happens like that, it’s life, and you can’t stop that. So that’s it. I’m done holding onto the stuff that should just be dropped because it hurts too much to hold on and I’m tired of holding on honestly. I can’t live with myself being this hurt. I have the people I need in my life, the people who made my past months great, and that’s that
10.03.11-
I hate the feeling of losing best friends. It gets better in time of course, everything gets better in time. You eventually forget the feeling of someone stabbing your heart and walking away. But as you move on, day by day, that dread feeling leaves and you can barely remember the old times. Sure, photos and old songs can bring back those memories, but by then you look at it like an amazing time you won’t ever forget. By now, it’s all over and you’re finally okay with it. And when they try to walk back into your life, just to disappear again, it’s okay. Because before the disappearing hurt and now its just expected. You can’t hurt anymore if it’s all expected. And when you’re blamed for it all, it won’t matter. Just saying, as time fades away so does all your pain. And as you get older, you realize you don’t need as many friends as you thought you did.
10.03.11-
So today I’ve come to discover that in highschool, it’s hard to survive without at least one bestfriend. And it makes me upset because I’ve pretty much ruined my whole friendship with the only person that can relate to me. She probably hates me. I wanna fix it, but my mind just doesn’t know what to do. I want to cry, but my eyes don’t have the tears. I want to talk to her, but my voice can’t speak. So I wrote her instead, hoping that it makes it better. Because I miss her and talking to her, but we’ve grown so so far apart. I guess we need to find time to fix this. And it’s hard. So, if she reads this which she might, I just want to say I love her. She’s my bestestest friend and always will be. No matter what. Through it all girl. It’s going to be hard for us, I know. But truthfully, you’re so busy and we knew it would happen because of all your sports and stuff. But we can do this, hopefully. That’s it.
10.04.11-
Today I found out one of my childhood friends ran away. I suppose, we weren’t always together and barely talked. But we got along greatly. Well, she ran away…and now it got me thinking. How can someone, with so much potential run away? At 16 years old, you’re just coming to life and you run away. I’ve thought about it…running away to forget everything. But I never did it because I knew I couldn’t last. I’d have no one to turn too and I’d probably end up getting hurt. I wonder if she thinks about her family at night or if she cares about the pain she’s caused friends and family. And then I think, probably not. Because when you run away, you run away to escape everything. And it’ll work.
10.06.11-
Sometimes instead of causing more problems with friends, you should just forgive and forget. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s better just to move on instead of holding that grudge. I’ve learned the hard way. When you hold a grudge for so long, it starts to take over your mind, soul, body, and heart. And eventually you take it out on everyone, even if you don’t mean too. Grudges tend to put stress on your whole body and you don’t even realize it, until after you hurt all your friends. So forgive and forget. It’s only one life you have to live, why live it in anger?
10.11.11
So I’m mad I haven’t been able to post on here for so long because I didn’t have flash player installed. But moving on…
It bothers me when adults don’t think teenagers can be in love or even be in serious relationships. We are old enough to be in love, we are old enough to date, we are old enough to have lives. Love doesn’t wait until your 27, it comes whenever it wants. And when you realize you love someone you could spend forever with, you aren’t going to let the chance go. So adults, I know you don’t want us to grow up or get hurt, but come on. We are young adults now and we do need to learn from our mistakes. Love doesn’t wait and you should know that. For just once, let us go out and live. Let us feel love, because that feeling is something you can’t replace.
10.11.11
I don’t consider this a true thought. But it’s bothering me. I hate how my ex-best friend (who is a guy) texts me every other month and still claims I’m his best friend. When really, he disappeared off the face of the Earth. I wrote him a million times screaming at him and telling him to just stay gone. He’s changed, we don’t talk, we don’t know each other. It’s weird how close we were and now when we talk it’s, like, we just met, like, we are complete strangers. He acts like he’s never busy and like he never hangs out with anyone else. He acts like he misses me and I know he doesn’t. When he was in the hospital I went to see him EVERY day. I spent hours with him. I cried for him. We were best friends and hell, I loved the boy like an older brother. And I feel like that brother died and never came back. And it’s true, he didn’t. I just wanna remember all of the good times and now I can barely remember them. I wish he was the same kid, but he isn’t and I know that. He knows that. I wish he just wanted to be my best friend. I wish he just wanted to fix things. But he doesn’t, so I don’t anymore either. I can’t fix things alone, it’s a teams effort. And he isn’t part of the team anymore. Breaks my heart to know, how different things are now. Where’d the past and the memories go?
10.12.11
It hurts you know? To have you walk back into my life, when you basically crushed our friendship and forgot me for a girl you didn’t even know. After I stayed by your side through your hospital days, through your days of lonesomeness, through everything. You were my best friend and now I can only tell people that I knew you. And now, here you are, texting me acting like my best friend again. Making jokes, bringing up old memories, and making me think you care. But you don’t. And this time is different. I won’t be led on to this…not again.
10.19.11
It makes all the difference in the world to know you have a best friend. To know that no matter how drunk, stupid, crazy, ugly, or obnoxious you are they could never hate you. It feels good to lean on someone when things get tough. It’s just a great feeling to know you have a best friend who loves you for you and they accept you for all your mistakes or bad choices.
Yes sometimes you will fight, but at the end of the day you can always run back to them. They love you. You depend on them and they depend on you. I don’t think I would’ve lived much longer without my best friend. She’s the greatest. I love you Melissa :). We’ve been friends for 9 years and hopefully continuing.
10.26.11
Worst. Day. Ever. I. Feel. Like. I. Wanna. Die.
I’m not allowed to see my boyfriend tonight and everything for me was already falling apart. I came home from school and cried my eyes out. I punched things and now my wrist is so bruised and swollen that it hurts. I can’t stop crying on and off. The worst part is the only person I can talk too, I can’t see…wtf… :’( Second, I’m gonna elaborate on why I hate people. Because, if you’re like me, pleasing people is something you HAVE to do. You can’t help it. And when you disappoint someone, mostly someone close to you it hurts. It hurts you deep. My body won’t let me not care. I am obviously a screw up child since my parents are so obviously disappointed in me. I can’t handle all of this in one day. I can’t handle this at all. I’m calling on God to pull me through this, I’m begging him to fix this. I’m begging for forgiveness for every stupid thing I did. If He’s disappointed in me too, then I won’t be able to live. I’m holding on by a thread with no one to talk too. This feeling is worse than heartbreak. The only thing I wanna do is feel pain and cut. I can’t do that anymore though. I need help. I need to live through today…and so far the odds aren’t looking too good…
11.2.11
I promise myself today will be the last day I write about both of you…
So here I am, sitting here thinking today. Hell can’t I make it a day without thinking about my past. Obviously it’s haunting me, even though I’ve come to accept it, it hurts. So I’m going to write about my ex-bestfriend first, we’ll call him G.
(G) As I’m in school, I was taking notes and then got side tracked looking out the window. It reminded me of a year ago when everything between us was so stable. When we were actually good friends. I could expect a good morning text when I woke up and I knew you expected one too. I could always expect a deep conversation about something that either one of us was struggling through. I could depend on you through it all, including days where I pointlessly cry. Then, your crash…wow. I apologized all night I stood in the ER by your bed. I apologized for the fight we had and you said it was okay. And as I looked down at you I cried. You’re whole face was smashed, eye swelled shut, over 17 bones broken, and God, you looked bad. All your teeth were smashed. You tried to make me laugh and sometimes you succeed. But you now, after every single day I spent at the hospital, you didn’t care enough to keep talking to me. I miss you, but I now know you aren’t my true friend if you couldn’t keep talking to me. You just walked away and left me alone…
My ex-boyfriend Z…
(Z) I was looking out the window yesterday, when my phone buzzed. I’m in Spanish class so it was probably dumb that I pulled it out to reply. You poked me on Facebook so i poked back. That was continued for five minutes. It was so weird that you can choose to poke me, but you don’t have words to say. I just want to see you and show you I lived without you. I want to show you I’m happy. And I kind of want to hug you, just to be done. But it’s done and I’m done. I just wish you could pretend to be my friend, because poking me on Facebook poking isn’t worth it.
That’s it…I’m done with you guys…this is it…
11.11.11
whooooo ! :) the perfect day to make a wish. it’s almost absolute to come true. that’s all.
11.22.11
i can’t believe this. stop texting my boyfriend, okay? he’s with me. he loves me not you. if you wanted him you could have had him. okay? i get it you’re prettier than me and you love my boyfriend as your best friend. but GET THE FUCK OFF IT ! you have a damn boyfriend, text his ass. my boyfriend is mine. stop being jealous of my relationship and stay in yours. i do not text your guy 24/7, so stop texting mine. considering you are supposed to be my best friend…really? done.
11.23.11
I FUCKING hate the days before my period starts. And I’m legit about this. I become moody and over emotional. And I decide to cuss people out, hate on myself, hate on my life, hate on other people, and cry all day long. Fuckkkkk! It ruins everything about me. It turns me into a person I hate, and I already hate myself enough. Like forreal now? Why does this happen? Who knows, I’m only a girl. But really? Before my period my life falls apart. Can’t I just be a normal girl and just cry over cramps? Of course not, because life loves to challenge me. Fucking Fantastic.
11.25.11
I have been awake for a total of 34 hours. Let me tell you, I’m exhausted. I’ve done nothing but shopping and listening to music. I can’t even think about sleeping. But my body is aching for sleep…the last time I felt like this was so long ago that I can’t remember how I survived it. I feel like straight up crap someone threw in the trash. My eyes are heavy and I can’t even think. My sentences don’t even seem to flow together. Wow, I’m a mess. But I think it’s because my night was insanely long and crazy. I saw my ex and my ex-best friend, at the same time. God, all I could do is scream really absurd things at them. Seeing them together made everything inside of me just crash, burn, and die. I don’t like being anywhere near them and we shouldn’t have been…but it was Black Friday and everyone was shopping. And now, I’m just sitting here trying to forget that awful confrontation. I can’t even begin to understand why it hit me so hard. It’s just weird I guess. It’s weird how two people that built me up through the years could just disappear like that. And now they hate me, and want nothing to do with me. So I guess I understand. It’s not like I’m grieving over the fact that they hate me and what not. It’s just the fact that they aren’t there anymore that makes me grieve. The way they played me for some idiot girl, the weak one. And proved them wrong, but now it doesn’t even matter. Because they don’t care. They are gone, but oh well, you know? Shit happens.
11.27.11
I don’t understand why I’m so self-conscious. I mean, I guess it makes sense if you understand my past. But I shouldn’t still worry like I do. Or cry in my sleep because of the girls around my boyfriend. They like him and he doesn’t believe me. The way they look at him like he has all the answers, the way they touch his arm even in a slight way, the way they smile around him. It crushes me and he doesn’t even see it. He does little things that make them like him and it’s not like he does it purposely, but it makes them like him. It crushes me deep, like I can barely breathe. I just want him to understand how I feel, but he says I overreact and I have no reason to worry. But I do. I’m dying inside, but I have to play it like it doesn’t matter because I don’t want him to be mad at me for freaking out. Why doesn’t he get it? This hurts so much just to write. He can simply just touch any other girl and I’m crying. I can’t handle this. I really can’t and I’m trying so hard, but it’s going to kill me. That’s the end of it. But I’m gonna hold on because I love this boy and I can’t lose him. So cheers to me for holding on so strongly through another painful day. Cheers to me letting myself die. Cheers to me…
12.5.11
So this week has been terrible from the start. Honestly. My mom thinks I hate her and I don’t really hate her, but I am mad at her. She gets all in my personal life and don’t get me wrong, I like having a mom I can talk too. But if I wanted to talk about my ‘sex’ life or any of that, I’d come up and talk to you. But it’s toooooo weird to talk to her about it because I’m a teenager, hello, not happening. Besides that situation, my boyfriend’s necklace he gave me broke this morning and I had a meltdown, without the necklace I feel lost. This is the biggest part of me. With it not around my neck I feel naked and lost. It’s a little piece of him when he’s not around. So I’m using a different necklace chain so I don’t feel so lost. Hmmmm, and then I burnt my friggin’ ear on the straightener. FML! It hurt like a bitch. Hahaha. Not funny. Otherwise, nothing really really bad has happened.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S DECEMBER AND IT HASN’T SNOWED !!!!
12.6.11
So, I’ve always had one amazing guy best friend but he changed and now we aren’t so much as friends. I’ve always had guy friends though. So here’s where I’m getting at. Today, while in AP History Class, in which my teacher can’t teach, my closest guy friend, not that close, Andrew kept tickling me in my seat. (Keep in mind I have a boyfriend and he knows) Anyways, I told him to stop because I kept disrupting the class with loud laughter. He stopped eventually and continued to pull my hair or poke my neck. So eventually he stopped as I ignored him. I got really REALLY bored. So bored that I considered telling me teacher to seat her happy ass down because she can’t teach to save a life. So to entertain myself, I wrote him a note. I passed it back to his desk. And we continued to write this note discussing how our teacher absolutely sucks and how the air conditioner was running in December for no reason. We were having a great time…until he asked me if I liked him. Being honest I replied, “what do you mean” he wrote back “do you like me like me” I stared at the paper speechless. What do I say to that? He’s got a lot of problems going on at home and with his family, so saying no would crush him. So I replied honestly, “Well, I like you as a friend. Because you’re cool and so easy to talk too.” His reply: “Oh cool. I was just wondering. :)” So I played smart and asked if he liked me, to which he answered yes. Problem is, I’m friends with his girlfriend and he knows I have a boyfriend. So what the hell was he doing? I don’t know. I think I should stop trying to have guy friends. They all end up falling for me or they try to sabotage my good relationship. Ugh. Why is everything so hard?
Where is the snow for DECEMBER!? Come on now…
12.12.11
So, today is one of those days. Go figure. My heart is so hurt, that every time it beats it hurts. I have a feeling of vomit building up in my chest, but nothing comes up. I’m in pain. I just wanna scream out in pain and agony but no sound comes out. I feel mute today. The only thing I can feel is the warm tears stream from my eyes and the slow breaking of my heart. Why are girls so heartless? Seriously. My boyfriend is dedicated to me, he isn’t going to a dance with you. Get over it. I don’t like this. And now I’m being insecure like always. Just great…I’m just waiting for my heart to break because of my insecurities.
12.15.11
It just hit me how I’m so attached to you. I hate going a day without seeing you. It kills me. My heart aches for you, for your presence. I realized I can’t live without you. That’s why I’ve decided I’m not EVER letting you go. Ever. We will last for the rest of our lives. I don’t care what anyone says. You’re mine and I’m yours. You have my body, heart, and soul. And without you I can’t live and I don’t want to live.
I love you Jacob Tyler. (04.09.11]
01.24.12-
There really are parts of the story nobody will ever understand. There are parts of the story nobody will ever even hear. That’s how it is with any story. Heart wrench or happy, true or fake. Most likely those are the parts that are the most passionate with emotion, the little things that cause the twinge in your heart. Everyone in the universe has a story like that, and everyone in the universe deserves to tell it. All we need now is someone to listen.
